Doodles from my inner nightmare!

So far I've posted journal writings mainly from the upside of my journey around 2001 or 2.  Today I'm going to start posting some entries from the earlier "dark night of the soul" period as I struggled to make sense of and heal from the hell I was in.  One way I turned to was art, or as I referred to it, doodling.  I was not trained in art, but when my sister gifted me with a blank sketch book for my birthday, I began to play with lines and shadow and space...  What appeared was automatic.  In other words, I didn't know what I was going to draw, I just followed one dot, or line, with another, guided by... hmmm... a feeling... a need... intuition... curiosity... a call...  I don't know exactly.  Perhaps it changed.  The pictures certainly look different from each other as if drawn by different alters.  And the more I doodled, the more complex the pictures became.  It seemed that the "mute" parts of me needed desperately to communicate and drawing apparently felt safe.  So even though I didn't understand what the pictures were "saying," I had to draw!!  I even had to drop out of graduate school because I couldn't stop drawing to do my homework!

The following pictures are a sample of the variety of images I produced.  They make a good rorschach test because everyone sees something different in them!

I call this one my Michelangelo because when I look at it, I am reminded of the Sistine Chapel painting where the image of God is reaching out his hand to touch Adams' and there is a space between their fingers.  In this doodle, I see the multi colored wavy lines emerging from the globe on the left as Spirit/God reaching out to instill life in the dead tree (me) who is struggling to hold on.  Perhaps on one level, it depicts the existential struggle between life and death, with the globe representing the life force, surrounded by the clawing, grasping energies of the world that bring suffering and pain, threatening life's resolve to blossom. 

On Borrowed Wings

The innocent breath of a day newborn

Wafts gently from my window to waken.

But I embalmed in sheets of night shall mourn 

To see my cherished refuge taken.

With night I hear myself whisper softly

And dreams dance to the beating of my heart.

But time returns and walls imprison me

So from my captive soul must I part.

Then like a wounded bird that cannot fly,

I drag this broken, useless body.

For day awaits, a hungry cat and sly,

In silence he stalks his fearful quarry.

Then sweet small voice with wide disturbing eyes,

You call out and on borrowed wings I rise.

The Mystical Vision

A MYSTICAL VISION

As I walked along the dirt road deep in thought, I paid little attention to the woods on either side of me or the predawn light beginning to fill the sky.   Just as I reached where the road curved and dropped downhill to the trail head, I glanced up.  The trees on my right had given way to a wide, open field and in the distance stood a group of large black mounds.  I had never noticed these minature mountains before, but suddenly I couldn’t take my eyes off them.   Against the dark backdrop of pine, they glowed with a brilliant light that made them appear ethereal.  I stood rooted to my spot, awed by the magnificent spectacle.  

Though a little scared, I decided to investigate and turned onto a path which went down and around a small hill that led in the direction of the scene.   As I walked, I wondered with anticipation what mystical revelation awaited me.  I was in for quite a surprise.  As I rounded the curve and the mounds came into view, my mouth dropped open.  Before me I saw pile after huge pile of trash!  Actually, they were decomposing biodegradable bags filled with greenery, and the light I had seen was the reflection of the rising sun on the tattered remnants flapping in the breeze.  Was this the essence of my mystical vision - a garbage dump?  I was reminded of the popular song that had asked, “Is that all there is?”. 

It’s funny how my experience diminishes when I rationalize and slap labels on it – like “Oh, it’s just a garbage dump.”  Life suddenly losses it’s magic and I wonder why.   Why am I so quick to reduce my experience to a safe formulaic equation, rather than embrace the enthralling possibility that God is present everywhere in everything and is at all times seeking communion with me.  Do I doubt God’s desire, or is it my own fear of appearing foolish or of being disappointed?   Where would the human race be if the masters and the mystics had told themselves that their visions and dreams were “nothing more than...”   It seems that having the “eyes to see and ears to hear” involves a personal choice of faith, a willingness to perceive that which cannot be measured.

Unwilling to explain away my mystical vision as a simple mistaken visual perception, I decided to look within and listen for that “still, small voice”.  The message that came to me then was an image of a poster I had seen in a sunday school classroom.  It said, “God don’t make no junk!”.  I realized that long ago I had decided that mounds of trash were, without exception, ugly and despicable.  Suddenly I had been gifted with new sight and had witnessed mounds of trash transformed by light into a thing of  awesome beauty.  I realized then that all things are made beautiful in the light of God and that, when looked at through the eyes of love, life in all it’s various forms is an amazing and incredibly magical gift.

Again I turned within and reflected on some of the “garbage dumps” in my life which I had judged to be unworthy.  The painful situations which had taught me empathy, the hard choices that had showed me how to trust my intuition, the frustrations that had given birth to patience, and the problematic people who had challenged me to be the forgiving and compassionate person I had longed to be.  I realized that because of those “garbage dumps” I had stretched myself to become more like the person I wanted to be and, as a result, experienced more peace and love and joy in my life than ever before!  These were gifts, not curses!

Then I thought of all the times that I had, in one way or the other, told myself I was junk.  You’re not good enough!  You’re not worthy!  You’re hopeless!  You’ll never amount to anything!  You have nothing of value to offer!   What misguided and destructive messages these are - a garbage dump of the worst kind!  Such beliefs come from living too closely to the world, from interpreting what is good, worthy and of value from the world’s perspective.  This nearsighted view prevents me from seeing the bigger picture, the sacred perspective.  When I look through the eyes of God, through the eyes of Love, I can see that God don’t make no junk...

I mock God and God’s ability to create perfectly when I think of myself or any other as anything less than Holy.  Not only that, it is very unproductive.  The smaller I believe myself to be, the smaller I feel and, as a result, the smaller become my actions.  Where can this take me if my task is to bring about “earth as it is in heaven” for myself and for the world?  I may say that I am made in the image of God, a co-creator with the Divine, and an inheritor of the Kingdom, but imagine if I really believed it in my heart and lived it every moment of my life.  “What a wonderful world it would be!”

                                                        

                                                                      

A butterfly encounter

Come near to God and he will come near to you.   James 4:8

...the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you. 1 Chronicles 28:9

Karen Bacon

One early summer morning, while walking on the Mastihito trails seeking communion with God, I came across a monarch butterfly in the middle of my path. Surprised that it didn't fly away, I got down on my elbows and knees and watched as it walked across the dirt and climbed blades of grass. Its wings were a bit tattered so I assumed that was why it didn't fly away. Finally I decided to go on, but as I got up I wondered if it would get on my finger. So I put my finger next to the butterfly and, to my surprise, it climbed on!  Slowly I stood up and began walking and, as I walked, I talked to the butterfly.

I told it how I had never had a monarch butterfly perched on my finger before and that the experience felt magical.  I explained that because nothing like this had ever happened to me before, I wondered if God was reminding me of his presence in all things and that she sought communion with me at all times. Not wanting the butterfly to think me foolish (hmmm…), I quickly added that I knew it was only my imagination and that the only reason it had stayed on my finger was that its wings were tattered and it couldn't fly. With that, the butterfly spread its wings and rose into the air and flew all about me!

Amazed, I stood there and watched until it landed on a bush beside me. By then I realized I had been mistaken and that it could fly with tattered wings. So I announced out loud (for anyone that might be listening…) that I guessed the real reason it had not flown earlier was because its wings had been wet with dew and needed time to dry.  I added that what had happened was all just a coincidence and that now that its wings were dry, it certainly wouldn’t get on my finger again.  Then to prove my point I went up to the bush and stuck my finger out - and, to my surprise, it climbed back on! 

Not knowing what to say, I just continued walking in silence, staring at my tiny friend.  As I got closer to my car, however, I excitedly began telling it how I was going to take it home and show it to everyone and then get some butterfly food to give it and then...  and then it spread its beautiful orange and black wings and flew, up, up and away, above the treetops and beyond. I guess it had other plans...  I just stood there in awe, watching - and I wondered if, perhaps, God was smiling…

Father/Mother God, too often we have encountered you in some special way, but we quickly deny it.  We tell ourselves it was only our imagination, that we are not worthy of your interest. 

But like the shepherd seeking the one lost sheep, you care about each of us individually, and like the father who embraces his prodigal son, you reach out and touch us in any way that might help us to feel your love and know the joy you experience when we respond. Help us God find the courage within to risk accepting your gifts with joy and gratitude!  In Christ’s spirit we pray.  Amen.

To see thee more dearly...

While walking in the Mastihito trails, I always sang a little song that helped to bring me out of my thoughts and into the present moment.  The song was “Day by Day” from the musical Godspell except that I had changed the words to focus attention on the experience of my five senses.  My intention was to get out of my head and into my body so that through my bodily senses I might experience God more intimately in the world.  Therefore, instead of singing, “to see Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, and follow Thee more nearly day by day,”  I would sing, “to see Thee more clearly, to see Thee more dearly, and to see Thee more nearly day by day.”  Then I would sing it over and over again replacing the word “see” with “hear,” then “smell,” then “taste,” and finally “touch,” and with each verse I would concentrate on using that sense to perceive God more deeply in my experience of the world.

During one walk, however, I was feeling agitated and disconnected from God. I had been talking and talking to God, but not listening…  Finally I stopped on the path in frustration and looked up into the trees and angrily bellowed, “Are you conscious of me God, right now, right here in these woods?”   When I didn’t get a response (what was I expecting anyway?), I started walking again.  However, I had only gone a few feet when I heard noises off to my right.  I looked and there was a young deer cautiously approaching me.  It stopped about 15 or 20 feet from me and simply looked into my eyes for about 10 minutes.  Finally it turned and quietly moved back into the woods.  I had been very touched by the experience and paused to ask God, “What was that all about?”  Immediately, in response to my question, a phrase from the song, “Day by Day,” which I mentioned earlier, popped into my head. The musical answer to my question was,  “To see thee more DEERly!”

Prayer of Gratitude

Prayer of Gratitude

Dear God,

I celebrate your gentle presence with me here now.               

Like the steady glow of a candle flame,

You warm the darkness with your soft touch.

When I let myself be with you -

When I let myself feel your loving gaze upon me -

I want to laugh at all my funny fears. 

I want to dance with abandon to

The intoxicating music of life that is you. 

Filled with your song, I have no desire

Other than to sing in harmony with your many voices.

Oh that my presence in this world can be an open channel

Pouring forth your sweet and tender love on all.

Oh what a privilege, oh what heavenly joy!

You are the source, You ARE life!

There is nothing more I could ask than to be your vessel.

Let it be me, dear God, let it be me.

Today and always,

Thank-you, God, thank-you.

by Karen Bacon

3 MYSTICAL ECSTATIC EXPERIENCES

One of the First Early Transformative Experiences 

Today I went walking in the Mastihito Trails early in the morning moonlight and - and I encountered God.  How can I explain the indescribable? I felt as if I were a filter and a powerful wind came and passed through me ... I don’t recall exactly when it started, but at some point I began to experience a flow of knowledge and insight from what seemed like an all knowing Source and it filled my mind and body to overflowing.  I could hardly believe what was happening to me!  Eventually the experience became so intense that the  wisdom I was recieving (and could not retain) no longer seemed important and I was simply filled with incredible JOY! I began laughing and laughing like a beloved whose lover kisses her with such unceasing passion that she breaks away, gasping for air and laughing for joy at the same time!  I felt so aware and full of love  - so connected to life all around me.  Gratitude just poured forth from my heart. 

Then I saw an image in my mind that brought me to tears of joy.  In this image I saw myself driving alone for what seemed like forever in a barren wilderness, lost and afraid. Ilong for another human voice to comfort me, to assure me that I'm headed somewhere - getting closer to something... I click on the radio and turn the knob, desperate to hear something besides the all too familiar static.  I search and search, my determination slowly giving way to despair.  Then, just as I'm about to give up all hope, the meaningless noise gives way to a mysterious silence.  I freeze.  Suddenly, to my great JOY, a voice comes through - and it is not just any voice, but a wonderful, loving voice that knows who I am, where I am and desires to answer all the questions in my heart!  Now I know that I am not lost, that I have nothing to fear and, most important of all, that I am not alone! I never was.  I was only asleep, dreaming, and now I have awakened.  Thank you God!

A Winter Experience

My experience of ecstacy today started with the sound of snow crystals.  As I walked, little daggers of icy snow flew from my boots onto the exquisitely designed ice windows atop ruts in the path.  I noticed the delicate sound and stopped.  Then I began to experiment.  Without words to define my experience, I listened, looked, touched, smelled and even tasted the world about me...  I allowed myself to experience God in a new way.  I didn't try to describe, explain or understand - just experience... Then my heart seemed to open and I knew myself to be in all things.  At one point, birds from everywhere seemed to come to be with me and when they sang it felt as if it were my own voice.

              All I could do was stand silently watching the sun rise through the trees and gradually move across the sky.  Before long, I saw circles of color around it - first blues and purples, then red, orange and finally yellow.  Then a sparkeling, intricate web of light surrounded the sun and then a mystical tunnel formed leading to it... Finally, the sun appeared as the “eye of God” with a dark purple iris moving about at the center and I watched it "seeing" me...  It was all very spectacular.  I didn't want to ever move from that spot and stood there in absolute joy a long, long time... ... and then God spoke to me, but who would believe that...

             I don't know if a baby just born cries out in fear or joy, but this morning on the trails I fell to my knees, bent over, clasped my hands and with eyes closed tight, I sobbed for joy.  Eventually, I caught my breath and raised my head.  Then reaching up to the heavens, I stared into the beautiful blueness of the sky and began to sob again until the tears turned into hearty, happy laughter.  I felt intoxicated with the love of God.

The Physical Experience:

   After I left the trails and was walking home along the streets, I continued to grin from ear to ear.  My body was tingeling all over and my hands were shaking.  Incredibly happy and lightheaded, I found myself staggering at times as if I were drunk.  Once home, I greeted the pets with a song and dropped my coat and hat to the floor.  I found Jamie (my Daughter) in the livingroom and dropped into a chair opposite her.  I didn't know how to answer her question about what was going on.  She seemed a little scared.  I was so filled with joy, I couldn't speak at first.  Finally I began to try and describe my experience...  As I talked, I laughed and I cried.  Tears of Joy kept streaming down my cheeks as I stared up at the ceiling.  Physically my experience was focused around my eyes, forehead, temples and the top of my head where there seemed a "cresent radiating" at the center.  My ears were also ringing.  I felt incredibly thankful for all the people in my life that had provided me with the opportunity to grow.

Feelings About That Time

Each morning that I wake has come to feel like Christmas morning!  When I open my eyes at 5:30 or 6 I can hardly wait to get started.  I have no doubt there will be new and wondorous experiences that, like magical presents beneath a Christmas tree, are waiting in silence to be revealed.   Hastily I bundle up, anticipating the exquisite pleasure and joy that have become the norm on my winter walks in the woods.  Sometimes these are wild and ecstatic, and at other times, peaceful and expansive.  Both have forever changed my life.  It’s hard to explain what has happened to me...  Words fail to describe what my rational brain simply cannot grasp.  However, the felt experiences, the wordless understandings, these are etched in the depths of my soul...  In some strange way, it’s as if they’ve always been there hidden.  I guess all I’m doing now is scratching through the surface barrier, breaking through the illusions I had thought to be true to a new way of perceiving!  And I must say, this process of waking up is delicious!!

      

Memorial Day Sunday Experience

I was at the front of the church sitting in choir, looking out over the congregation. Nothing especially inspiring was going on – at least nothing that would trigger an ecstatic experience. The service was very somber with people coming up and lighting candles for those who had died the year before. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular when a strange feeling began to grow – and grow!  I began to feel so light I thought I was going to start floating off my seat!  And not only that, but I felt as if I were radiating light and thought surely people must be able to see me glowing! Filled with an overwhelming experience of peace and love and joy, I didn't know what to do!  It was so totally bizarre… I could even feel my chest extending about a foot in front of where my body should have stopped.  My only desire was to pour out love onto every person there.  I almost got up and left  church because I didn't want to disrupt the service…  I was feeling such love, such amazing love, and I felt I was going to cry.  I was actually afraid I was going to go out and begin embracing people... 

I experienced no emotional neediness - no need for approval, or acceptence, or anything from anyone!  Nor did I have a need for anyone to change a single thing about themselves.  Every person there appeared incredibly worthy and wonderful... There was the librel and the conservative, the sweet and the crabby, the serious and the silly, the educated and the uneducated, and they were all perfect just the way they were!  I don't recall all the details of my experience, but I know it was so huge, so incredibly extreme, I just didn't know what to do. (At one point I did look to the woman sitting next to me and say 'I am having a really good day!)  It lasted throughout the service (and into the coffee hr.) and while everyone else was being so very serious, I sat there unable to stop grinning from ear to ear! The joy was almost unbearable!!

A Mystical Exp. In Ashland

I had just bought the CWG book 1 on CD and had decided to listen to some of it.  Not knowing what was on which CD, I just picked the 5th one at random and laid down on the bed.  I fell asleep, but about 3/4 of the way through I was jolted wide awake!  I don’t think my eyes were open, but I was extremely alert and conscious and felt as if I were floating in another dimension.  The sound of the voices on the CD were loud and clear and it totally filled and surrounded and flowed through me in a way I can’t even describe...  At first I was frightened, but soon decided that since I desired God to communicate with me in any way at any time, I’d better relax and listen. So I did (Checking the book, I found it had started around pg. 137 and went to 143).  Eventually the CD ended and the last words, which seemed burned into my brain, were, “Many Masters have been sent to the Earth to demonstrate Eternal Truth.  Others, such as John the Baptist, have been sent as messengers, telling of the Truth in glowing terms, speaking of God with unmistakable clarity.  These special messengers have been gifted with extraordinary insight, and the very special power to see and receive Eternal Truth, plus the ability to communicate complex concepts in ways that can and will be understood by the masses. You are such a messenger.”  Then there was sudden total silence and I was back in my room.  In complete shock I got up and paced the floor in shock and completely in awe.  I kept saying over and over, “My God, the magic is real!”

A Bird Learning to Soar

An Early Description of My Process

            Most of my life I’ve been weighted down by my neediness in the world...  a bird grounded on earth.   I recognized I had wings, but did not really know why or what to do with them.  So I ran about on foot struggling to stay alive, envious of those famous birds in history who I’d heard had been able to fly.   Sure I’d been told that we were all made in the same image, but I believed the mystical birds to be magical creatures, not a bird like myself.  Even so, there were times in the midst of great pain and frustration that a longing would well up in my heart and something deep within would stir.  In confusion I would find myself stretching forth my wings and frantically flailing about.  At those times I would cry out, “Why can’t my wings be magic too?  I want to soar up into the heavens and be free!”  Occasionally as I floundered, I felt as if I rose an inch or two off the ground, but always I convinced myself that it was just my imagination. 

            Then one day I read an amazing book about flying which stated that all birds had the capacity to fly - and I wondered… did it mean even those as hopeless as me?  It described how the magical birds of the past had taught that the ability to fly was not magical , but a bird’s natural birthright!  The author explained that birds who couldn’t fly had merely forgotten how and that the ancient ones had come to be examples for us to follow, birds that we could emulate.  He said that by virtue of our being birds with both feet and wings, we could choose at our discretion to walk on the earth or fly through the heavens.  He explained how the earths’ gravity could be used not only to hold one down, but lift one up as well - and that we need only look within for direction!

            Whoa! Filled with excitement and anticipation, I then struck out to try and fly.  I bobbed my head, wagged my tail, stretched out my wings and sang a song.  It felt wonderful - however, nothing too exciting happened.  Still, I did not give up, but tried again and again, day after day until one day I had an incredible experience. I had stretched out my wings when an unknown wind came by and lifted me high into the heavens.  I felt such freedom - such peace and love and joy, that the burden of all my perceived neediness and fears faded in the ecstasy.  I knew then what it meant to be a bird and what it meant to fly.  This was what I had always yearned for deep within my heart, this was my purpose and my deepest desire! 

            Since that day I have sought with passion to become the bird I am meant to be.  I look and listen and practice, practice, practice.  At times the wind has returned and lifted me to heights above where words lose their meaning.  At other times, I stumble and stagger - laughing at my clumsiness - and sometimes crying too.  At those times I pray, “Guide me and help me be patient and compassionate with myself.”    But now no matter what I feel, I know what I am meant to be – and that I am not alone. 

            As you might expect, many other flyers, usually authors, have come into my life. Many have extensive experience and exquisite insight - while others have only flown in airplanes.  I am grateful for them all.  Supported by their inspiration, my explorations into flight have been increasingly successful.   It’s hard work (except when it’s not...), but I’m gradually making progress.  And I’m not just talking about short hops, but prolonged flight! ...Well... maybe a flight long enough to get me into the tops of bushes... but, no matter, because, in case you don’t know, flying is a glorious experience and now that I have begun who knows where I might go!!!!